early morning
Dec. 28th, 2004 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mattblakkPeggy Sue made this post which got me to thinking:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/pegsioux/180256.html?view=1025568
Guess this is one of the reasons I didn't survive very long as a dyke. I liked femmes. I learned a lot from them. I dated one or two. I had hot sex with a few more. I liked butches, and felt quite attracted to them, as well, but it wasn't an either or, one is better kind of crap. Femmes, to me, in many ways were mystifying creatures that I didn't understand, but I loved 'em.
I miss having them in my life. Now that I look like an M-A-N there are a lot of things from dyke culture I miss out on. I don't get to have that visual moment of recognition followed by a smile, even when no words are spoken, that sense of belonging is beautiful. To this day, my head is occasionally turned by femmes. I just never do anything about it, because really, what would I say? Where would I begin?
Somehow, I don't think, "I used to look like someone you would find incredibly attractive," is a good place to begin.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I made the right decision for me, it was just hard to have done so way back when in the time before prehistory that was 1993 because it meant losing all your dyke friends.
Of course, then I went and had a kid and lost all my fag friends. Then my kid went and turned out to have autism, so I lost pretty much the couple of friends I had left.
Have some new friends, though, who are kid friendly, trans friendly, queer friendly, but as I'm often tethered to the house by the 5 year old 55 pound ball and chain and forced to 'endure' hours of the Wiggle Christmas special and to do horrible things like play-doh and lite brite peg pushing for hours at a go. Blissful, really.
I think a big part of having a kid has been growing up and learning it's:
- Not all about me
- Not all bad, either
- I can lose everything and still have me. The personal growth of such a trial is something that can't be taken away. Serenity might be fleeing, but the bedrock that I worked to build all those years remains. Sometimes it's all there is, but even then, it's OK. I like who I am even when under stress. I trust myself, even when I'm at wits end.
- If I never have another romantic relationship in my life I will be just fine. I'm really more happy with myself and my life than I've ever been. Sure, there are the daily stresses, and what not, but somehow its as if I've come through the other side of a crucible, changed. I'm still able to see where I was, and I'm still going on, but somehow, deep down, I have this sense that I'm different than I once was. And this isn't about transition at all. I think it's mostly about the changes that one experiences parenting a kid with special needs. It's made me reevaluate everything. Things that were once important to me aren't anymore. Things I took for granted I look forward to being able to experience with Blake as he changes and learns at his own pace. Changing my perspective about things I once took for granted. Guess that's what kids are for.
Discuss.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/pegsioux/180256.html?view=1025568
Guess this is one of the reasons I didn't survive very long as a dyke. I liked femmes. I learned a lot from them. I dated one or two. I had hot sex with a few more. I liked butches, and felt quite attracted to them, as well, but it wasn't an either or, one is better kind of crap. Femmes, to me, in many ways were mystifying creatures that I didn't understand, but I loved 'em.
I miss having them in my life. Now that I look like an M-A-N there are a lot of things from dyke culture I miss out on. I don't get to have that visual moment of recognition followed by a smile, even when no words are spoken, that sense of belonging is beautiful. To this day, my head is occasionally turned by femmes. I just never do anything about it, because really, what would I say? Where would I begin?
Somehow, I don't think, "I used to look like someone you would find incredibly attractive," is a good place to begin.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I made the right decision for me, it was just hard to have done so way back when in the time before prehistory that was 1993 because it meant losing all your dyke friends.
Of course, then I went and had a kid and lost all my fag friends. Then my kid went and turned out to have autism, so I lost pretty much the couple of friends I had left.
Have some new friends, though, who are kid friendly, trans friendly, queer friendly, but as I'm often tethered to the house by the 5 year old 55 pound ball and chain and forced to 'endure' hours of the Wiggle Christmas special and to do horrible things like play-doh and lite brite peg pushing for hours at a go. Blissful, really.
I think a big part of having a kid has been growing up and learning it's:
- Not all about me
- Not all bad, either
- I can lose everything and still have me. The personal growth of such a trial is something that can't be taken away. Serenity might be fleeing, but the bedrock that I worked to build all those years remains. Sometimes it's all there is, but even then, it's OK. I like who I am even when under stress. I trust myself, even when I'm at wits end.
- If I never have another romantic relationship in my life I will be just fine. I'm really more happy with myself and my life than I've ever been. Sure, there are the daily stresses, and what not, but somehow its as if I've come through the other side of a crucible, changed. I'm still able to see where I was, and I'm still going on, but somehow, deep down, I have this sense that I'm different than I once was. And this isn't about transition at all. I think it's mostly about the changes that one experiences parenting a kid with special needs. It's made me reevaluate everything. Things that were once important to me aren't anymore. Things I took for granted I look forward to being able to experience with Blake as he changes and learns at his own pace. Changing my perspective about things I once took for granted. Guess that's what kids are for.
Discuss.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 05:47 pm (UTC)my mother used to say the same thing about how haing kids really made her more confident in who she was.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:09 pm (UTC)Animal and I are snuggling on the couch right now.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 05:50 pm (UTC)well we've lost a lot too. Not on an order of some folks, yourself included..
maybe that's the way with all transitions? Sorry this is choppy, we're playing the miss spider tea party game and jumping on the bed.
I want to play Miss Spider's Tea Party!
Date: 2004-12-28 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 05:54 pm (UTC)i, for one, think the person you have become is absolutely amazing. and watching you parent blake with such grace and patience and joy is beautiful. and i feel lucky to have you as a friend. and equally as lucky to know and love the stunning mr. b.
snipped my soapboxing about misogyny and put it in my journal instead
and now, having dispensed all this sweet flirty flattery i need to go away because it's making me blush from way over here.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 04:30 am (UTC)So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 06:18 pm (UTC)Just randomly I find you here and it fills me with joy. This "place" is such a great forum. The things you choose to put in here, I think, are great, touching and generally very interesting.
(Gawd, I hope this doesn't sound too creepy. I am not a stalker.)
Sorry to hear about the losses in your life, but at the risk of sounding utterly trite, everything happens for a reason.
You have Blake, give him a hug, rejoice!
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 06:25 pm (UTC)Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-29 04:35 am (UTC)Tense error, at least for me.
One of my regrets, Matt, and I have a lot (though not in any crippling way), is that we have only had casual conversations, user-support messages, bar orders (how's that for history?), and friend-of-friends connections between us. Friend, crush, whatever, I wish we were in the same town still.
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-29 05:03 am (UTC)If I'm ever in your town again, I promise to pawn the child off on friends and drag you off somewhere for dinner.
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-29 05:16 am (UTC)Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-29 08:58 am (UTC)I still remember the first day I saw Matt, it was several weeks before I met him. He was at Just Desserts on Church Street. It was lust at first site. He was the toughest, meanest, sweetest looking guy I'd ever seen. It's one of those moments that I know I'll look back on when I'm in my 60's and just smile. It took me weeks to screw up the courage to even talk to him. But then I did and found out that not only was he handsome, but also a really cool guy with so much to give/teach folks.
So yep I'm still one of legions who has a "crush" on Matt. He's one guy I'm very glad to have had in my life. Just look at the comments his posts generates. He's influenced a lot of folks along the way, and I can say that I bet most of them have similar feelings to mine.
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 08:59 pm (UTC)Please, next time you have a crush on someone, tell them! It's so sad to only find out about crushes years after they're over not having had the chance to do anything about it.
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 10:02 pm (UTC)The great thing about crushes, I have found, is that if they go undetected they can simmer eternal.
I still have a crush on the fella that did my PA 11 years ago!
Maybe, with a little luck and a little effort we could be friends.
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 10:05 pm (UTC)You're not by chance deathly afraid of unruly 5 year olds, noise or clutter, are you?
Re: So glad to have found you.
Date: 2004-12-28 10:21 pm (UTC)Hardly.
Some kids are totally frightened by my big fuzziness while others just treat me like a big toy.
Noise and clutter are ok too especially if they are not mine, out of my control and scenario appropriate (eg. a house with an unruly 5 year old in it). **I have an adult buddy that seems unphased by dog crap in his house - THAT - is inappropriate and I don't really visit with him much.**
Yaay, I love making friends.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 06:22 pm (UTC)You're one of those folks that have had a profound effect on how I view the world. I'm sure you've had this effect on many people and will have it on many more.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:02 pm (UTC)And, thanks. I think sometimes I forget that sometimes I've been able to be a force for good in my friends lives.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 10:17 pm (UTC)Sadly I can't remember our other roommate's name right now. Sure I can remember her girlfriend Grace Giorgio, btw last I heard Grace was living in Illinois and married http://www.atwoodretreatcenter.com/teacher.html. but nope can't remember the name of our roommate.
You know I'm happy and so glad to have found you again too. I look forward to getting back to SF and seeing you again.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:07 pm (UTC)I don't know, I'm just Matt, and the background story is so long, that it takes years to really get a sense of how convoluted and complicated that can be.
I think social identification and deep personal inner identification are really quite different. Socially, superficially I'm a guy, a single parent, a graduating senior at SFSU, a biology major, someone who spends most of his time thinking about a kids needs and his inability to communicate and all kinds of stuff that has nothing to do with transness or who I would sleep with given the chance.
I've officially given myself permission to be complicated. Sorry I keep repeating that, but it's the only word I can think of that comes even close. It can involve a lot of things, like trying to not be "out" all the time, but to disclose when the time feels right, to lie and make shit up and not disclose if I don't think it's anyone's business.
So, "Hi." I'm Matt.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 05:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 07:00 pm (UTC)I can see from this post that it was there, but you hid it well. Even from yourself.
It was your inner strength.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 08:05 pm (UTC)I'll always admire how you are with Blake, I've learned so much from you.
Heya, Matt...
Date: 2004-12-28 09:15 pm (UTC)I think you have had extra challenges because you had to form a way of being an adult
M-A-N after having not had acess to all the secret handshakes of original boyhood, and all that. In lots of ways, we all make it up as we go along. You? Just made it up from scratch, and lots of the rest of us made it up from a cake mix. Still faboo, just different.
Having Blake come add the frosting to your cupcake -- hmm, baking as metaphor -- is just a counterpoint to some of the stuff you've gotten to do. He's lucky to have picked you as parent, and I think you're lucky to have got him, too,
And anyone who doesn't understand the bliss of playdoh related living is kind of a bummer, in my book. (But don't mind me, I'm having my annual biological clock snooze alarm fest.)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-28 11:41 pm (UTC)(And I met you for about ten seconds or so at the Lone Star once about seven or so years ago. Of course I thought you were a cutie, but I was too shy to say so.)
:0)
no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 09:46 pm (UTC)I love your hubby Jeff, but remember when we wanted to marry if we ended up single....lol.....you are too sweet....
Happy Holidays...
Love,
Victoria
no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 11:38 pm (UTC)I added you the minute I got your comment. I've enjoyed reading your journal, and learned a few things. (And you are as much of a flirt in the comments as I am!)
;0)
I hope LJ will help us keep in a bit better touch. I miss you!
Much love,
S.
PS―The most interesting stuff in my journal is probably here (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=2fruition). Check it out if you have the time/interest. xoxox
no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 03:10 am (UTC)i found you on some list or other.
i am a trans and was also a single parent for 12 years. i chose not to transition physically, but did experience a sort of metaphysical transition (emotional, spiritual, psychologically). three years later, i started identifying more and more as femme.
the way i see it is like this - it was only because of my transition to male that i was able to find peace with myself as female.
not sure if that makes sense.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 06:37 am (UTC)I love what you said about femmes. I have to say that they were the first ones to embrace my masculine, butch, boi, shy vulnerable self. They are a mystery in many ways. I have a poet friend of mine that wrote this piece called High Maintenance. It was several things. First that slam against anyone trying to approach a femme saying, I bet you're high maintenance, is either stupid or in need of good beating. Second, it was for all the butches, bois, FTMs, and trannyfags that were a constant form of support. There are femmes here in Seattle who identify sexually only with transmen.
Times are changing as are we all. I think that I am the man that I am because of the Femmes in my life. They taught me that the messages I was raised with were bullshit and helped me become a better human being.
I hope that I can be as patient and loving a parent as I have seen you do on a daily basis. I love you Matt!
no subject
Date: 2004-12-29 06:47 am (UTC)More seriously, as a phag who's spent many hours in the dyke scene, I know the gender politics can be deadly. I mean, I heard about you a long time before we met here. Or in person.
You're much more interesting than your legend. Human looks good on you.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-31 04:38 am (UTC)And rest assured, if I'm ever close enough, I intend to take you up on the offer because you're hot and smart and deadly clever.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-01 04:20 am (UTC)You know, standard dyke gossip--back when the transition on T was largely viewed as acceding to patriarchy bla bla bla.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-31 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-31 04:39 am (UTC)Anytime you want to stop by with June, just give a ring. We will begin to keep a stock of treats for her.